How to Win Friends and Influence People
Introduction
Reading is one of the most enriching experiences that anyone can have, but finding the time to read every book that catches our eye can be challenging. Moreover, if we only rely on reading to absorb the contents of books, we are likely to forget much of what we have learned soon after. This is where book summaries can come in handy. As an avid reader, I have found that writing a summary of a book's key lessons not only provides easy access to valuable information in the future but also helps me reflect on how I can apply these insights to my own life.
This post is part of a series where I will provide my summaries of some of the best books I’m reading. I intend to offer readers an opportunity to get a glimpse of what a book has to offer before deciding whether to invest their time in it. Whether you're a book lover or just someone looking to explore new ideas, I hope my book summaries will provide you with some valuable insights.
Overall impressions
I really enjoyed this book. This is propably one of those cases where I really liked the content because I was already used to think in similar ways. It feels like a confirmation book for many of my social best practices. I have no problem acknowledging that because I’ve been fairly successful in social terms throughout my whole life and that kind of works as proof that this stuff actually works. The book covers 30 principles (further down you'll find the full list), but many of them refer to a common topic or area. Their impact on my can be split in three different ways:
Some of the principles were new to me and I immediatly started to practice them. Things like calling people by their names (I actually used to say that I was very bad at remembering names… seems like it just wasn’t a priority and I was not putting enough effort in) and making an effort to state what I want/need in terms of the other person’s interests.
Other principles were already things that I was aware of but lacked some deeper knowledge and context to become better at them. I’m talking about why we should avoid arguments, why we should make the other person feel important, among others.
Lastly, there were a few principles that I believe I am already very good at, but they have always been done purely by instinct. Reading about them and knowing their impact felt reassuring, and made me want to dive deeper in these practices. These include principles like smiling, being a good listener and asking a lot of questions, letting the other person do most of the talking, trying honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view, and a few more.
Key lessons
To make it easier to later review this information, I condensed the principles in just a few topics and then merged all of the key lessons under those topics. Here is the result:
Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
The act of criticising is ineffectual as it immediately puts an individual on the defensive, compelling them to justify themselves. Moreover, criticism is dangerous, as it inflicts wounds upon a person's precious pride, undermines their sense of importance, and stirs up resentment. When engaging with others, it is important to acknowledge that we are not dealing with purely logical beings, but rather beings driven by emotions, replete with biases, and propelled by their own pride and vanity. Rather than condemning individuals, let us strive to comprehend them, to delve into the reasons behind their actions. This approach proves more fruitful and captivating than criticism, fostering sentiments of sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
Become genuinely interested in other people
If you want to make more friends, the best way is to show a genuine interest in other people. Quoting directly from the book: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”. For this, it is essential to become a good conversationalist, so focus on listening carefully. Ask questions that they will enjoy answering and encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are much more interested in their own lives, desires, and problems than in you and your problems.
Sometimes, when people want others to agree with them, they talk too much and don't give the other person a chance to speak. It's better to let the other person talk and share their own thoughts and experiences. They know more about their own lives and problems than you do. So, ask them questions and let them tell you things. Even if you disagree with them, try not to interrupt. It's not a good idea because they won't pay attention to you if they still have their own ideas to express. So, be patient, keep an open mind, and sincerely encourage them to share their ideas fully. In summary. to be interesting to others, be genuinely interested in them.
Make the other person feel important
The most important rule of human behavior is to make others feel important. If we follow this rule, we will rarely get into trouble and we will gain many friends and constant happiness. Everyone wants to feel valued and recognised. We don't want fake compliments, but we do desire genuine appreciation. The truth is that most people believe they are better than us in some way, so if we can subtly show them that we acknowledge and sincerely recognize their importance, we will win their hearts. So let's follow the Golden Rule and treat others the way we want to be treated, always and everywhere.
When we minimise criticism and emphasise praise, people's positive actions will be reinforced, and their negative behaviors will diminish due to lack of attention. Everyone likes to be praised, especially when the praise is specific and sincere, not just empty words to make someone feel good. We all crave appreciation and recognition, but we don't want insincerity.
Arouse in the other person an eager want
Why should we talk about what we want? It's natural for you to be interested in your own desires. You always care about what you want, but guess what? Everyone else is just like you. They care about what they want too. So, if you want to influence others, the only way to do it is by talking about what they want and showing them how to get it. When you can make someone eager to achieve their own desires, you'll have their support. If you want to persuade someone to do something, take a moment before you speak and ask yourself, "How can I make this person want to do it?" This question will prevent you from impulsively diving into a conversation where you talk about your own desires with no consideration for others. The only effective way to get anyone to do something is by making them want to do it. Using rude or forceful methods will have negative consequences.
Remember the other person’s name
Remembering names and making people feel important is one of the simplest and most important ways to gain goodwill. Often, when we meet someone new, we have a short conversation but then quickly forget their name. It's crucial to understand the power of a name and recognize that it belongs solely to the person we are interacting with. A name distinguishes an individual and makes them special compared to everyone else. Whether it's a waitress or a high-ranking executive, using their name can create a magical effect when we interact with them.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Keep in mind that other people may be completely wrong, but they don't see it that way. Instead of judging them, which anyone can do, try to understand them. There's a reason why the other person thinks and behaves the way they do. Make an honest effort to imagine yourself in their position. Ask yourself, "How would I feel? How would I react if I were in their shoes?" This will save you time and frustration because when we become curious about the cause, we're less likely to dislike the outcome. Plus, it will greatly improve your ability to connect with others. Being successful in dealing with people relies on sympathetically grasping their perspective.
Smile
Smiling is a powerful tool that can greatly impact our interactions with others. It has the remarkable ability to create a positive atmosphere and make people feel valued and appreciated. When we smile, we convey warmth and friendliness, instantly putting others at ease. It helps to establish rapport, foster connections, and build trust. A smile can brighten someone's day, lift their spirits, and make them more receptive to our ideas and suggestions. Moreover, smiling is contagious, spreading joy and happiness to those around us. By embracing this simple act, we can enhance our relationships, create a more pleasant environment, and ultimately improve our ability to win friends and influence others.
Do your best to avoid arguments, but know how to deal with them
The best way to handle an argument is to avoid it altogether. Arguments cannot be truly won because even if you win, you will only make the other person feel inferior and resentful. When someone is convinced against their will, they still hold onto their own opinion.
If you do find yourself in an argument, don’t start by announcing that you will prove something. This challenges the other person and sparks opposition. Instead, focus on finding common ground. Emphasize the things you agree on and strive for a similar goal, highlighting that the difference lies in the method, not the purpose. Get the other person saying "Yes" early on, as it creates a positive direction for the conversation. Socrates himself used this method of asking questions that led the other person to agree step by step until they embraced a conclusion they previously denied. Also, any fool can try to defend his mistakes, but it takes courage and brings a sense of pride to admit them. When we are right, let's try to persuade others to see our point of view in a kind and respectful manner. And when we are wrong, let's admit our mistakes promptly and enthusiastically. Not only does this approach lead to amazing results, but it's also more enjoyable than trying to defend ourselves.
When offering criticism, many people start with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and then a critical statement. This can undermine the credibility of the praise and make the person question its sincerity. Instead, replace "but" with "and" to maintain the positive tone. For example, instead of saying, "We're proud of you for raising your grades, but you could have done better in algebra," say, "We're proud of you for raising your grades, and if you continue working hard, your algebra grade can improve too." By using "and," you keep the encouragement intact and increase the chances of achieving your goal in changing someone's attitude or behavior. Here are some tips on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Welcome the disagreement — Keep in mind the saying, "When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." If someone brings up a point you haven't considered, be grateful for their input. This disagreement could be a chance for you to be corrected before making a big mistake. Embracing differing perspectives allows you to learn and grow, avoiding potential pitfalls.
Listen first and distrust your instinctive impression — Allow the other person an opportunity to speak and listen without interruption. Avoid the urge to resist, defend, or engage in debate because the objective is to foster understanding, not create barriers of misunderstanding. When faced with a disagreement, our initial instinct is often to become defensive. Stay composed and be mindful of your initial reaction, as it may not represent your best self but rather your worst.
Control your temper and look for areas of agreement — You can determine the character of a person by observing what triggers their anger. After listening to your opponents, focus initially on the points and areas where you find common ground.
Be honest — Be attentive to areas where you can acknowledge your mistakes and be open about them. Apologize promptly for any errors you've made, as it will help defuse tension with your opponents and minimize defensiveness.
Promise to think over their ideas and study them carefully — At this point, it is much simpler to agree to consider their points rather than rushing forward and ending up in a situation where the other party can say, "We tried to warn you, but you didn't listen.”
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest — When someone takes the effort to disagree with you, recognize that they share similar interests. Consider them as individuals who genuinely want to assist you, and you might transform your opponents into friends.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem — Propose scheduling a future meeting where all relevant information can be thoroughly discussed. In preparation for this gathering, challenge yourself with some probing inquiries: Could there be validity to their perspective? Perhaps they are partially correct? Is there any truth or value in their position or argument? Will my response contribute to problem resolution or merely alleviate my own frustration? Will my reaction push my opponents further away or bring them closer to me? Will my conduct enhance the respect others have for me? What are the potential gains or losses? What consequences would I face if I emerge victorious? Can the disagreement be resolved naturally if I remain silent? Could this challenging situation be viewed as an opportunity for personal growth?
Actionable advices
The key lessons above are all actionable advices. But I find that this kind of content is always very hard to put to practice. Since I have already read a few books that suggest these kind of behaviour suggestions, I’ve been considering for a while how I could take proper advantage from these books. I believe that the best way to do so is to find a way to be constantly reminded of their teachings. I know that there are tools like Readwise that send daily highlights but I’m currently not in a position to afford paying for something like that. Considering that, I still don’t have a perfect review system but I do my best to maintain a weekly block of time to review the previous week and plan the following.
One personal story mentioned in the book was about a man who kept an ‘engagement book’, where he stored all the appointments that he had during the day. He would then set out some time on a weekly basis to have a process of self-examination, review and appraisal. This was a moment to ask questions such as: “What mistakes did I make that time?”; “What did I do that was right, and in what way could I have improved my performance?”; “What lessons can I learn from that experience?”. The goal of this system of self-analysis and self-education is to help improve the ability to make decisions and aid in all contacts with people. After reading that story, I implemented the same in my weekly review session to try to answer questions like the ones mentioned. The goal is to bring more awareness to the way I’m dealing with people and try to implement most of the teachings from this book.
Highlights from the book
The best quotes I gathered from this book:
The person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people — that person is headed for higher earning power.
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.” — Confucious
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” — Emerson
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” — Henry Ford
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
It isn’t what you have, who you are, where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.
Dale Carnegie's Principles
The book’s original list of principles:
Don’t criticise, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatise your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Related videos
Some videos about this book that I found helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uA_HkOJGjY&ab_channel=ProductivityGame
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9Pa3p-dqJI&ab_channel=WinningMindse
Resources
Books that were mentioned throughout the book:
Lincoln the Unknown - Dale Carnegie
The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin — Benjamin Franklin
